I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
