she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
she peed on how many people?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
