tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
He kissed a someone with a penis
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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