I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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