I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
