My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
