Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
