Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
My underwear smells like fireworks.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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