Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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