There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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