im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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