That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just gargled with NyQuil
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
