Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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