Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
