Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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