Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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