Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
