The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
