She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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