Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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