He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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