I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
