you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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