go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
