This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
