Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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