I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
