god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
