ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
