i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
