if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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