Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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