i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
