A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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