Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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