she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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