bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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