My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
