it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
