I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
