He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
