Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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