I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Two words: blizzard sex
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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