onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
