I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
