going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Send help, water and tortillas.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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