also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
