Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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