Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
