I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
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when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
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Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.