I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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