New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
The best revenge is premature balding
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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