Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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