How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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