No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
