dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
