i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
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