you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
