I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
