i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
