I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
