Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
